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SUMMARY: Two boys from dissimilar backgrounds, one trying to stay out of jail, the other privileged and seemingly destined for greatness. Thrown together by chance and only imperfectly aware of just how much they need one another, the boys struggle to connect across the many divides that separate them and slowly begin to recognize they may share more in common than they could have ever imagined. And yet whether they’ll be able to overcome their fears, doubts and insecurities and open up to each other remains to be seen. Please note that italics are typically used to indicate what a character is thinking or saying to himself.
WARNING: This story is a work of adult fiction and intended for mature audiences only. Unless otherwise noted, all of the characters in the story are fictional; any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. While some of the places described or mentioned in the story are fictional as well, others may be real. However, some liberties may have been taken with the truth to enhance the story. Please note that the story may describe, depict or otherwise include graphic portrayals of relationships between men and/or adolescent boys that are homosexual in nature. If you do not like or approve of such discussions or it is illegal for you to read such material, consider yourself warned. If you continue to read this story, you are asserting you are fully capable of understanding and legally consenting to reading a work of adult fiction.
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NOTES: Please check these notes every week. If there’s something I want to alert you to as I post each chapter, this is where I will I do so. October 19, 2015: Chapter 12 is narrated by Holden.
I was pacing back and forth near the entrance to the T in Harvard Square waiting for Sean’s train to arrive. Having decided to tell him I was gay, I was nervous. After thinking about how to tell him most of the day, I had chosen the simplest option. We would have dinner together and then go back to my place. I would tell him there without any drama.
The next thing I knew Sean was racing up the steps from the station two at a time. He was surprised when he reached the top and saw me waiting.
“How did you know the game was over?” he asked. “I was going to surprise you.”
“I was listening to it. When it ended, I decided to meet you here to save you the walk over to Wigglesworth. Where do you want to eat, Sean?”
We talked about a couple of places and eventually settled on Flat Patties. Soon enough we were seated and enjoying our meal.
“Did your brother and his friend have a good time at the game?” I asked.
“They did,” he responded. “Any time the Sox beat the Yankees is fun; beating them like we did today was special. We destroyed them. I wish I had another ticket and you could have seen it; maybe we can take in another game sometime?”
“I’d like that,” I said, encouraged by his response.
He isn’t blowing you off, Holden. He wants to go to another game with you.
“So why did you want to see me, Holden?”
“We can talk about that later,” I said. “Tell me about the game.”
Knowing how much he loved the Red Sox, I knew that would get him going and it did.
I wish I was as passionate about something as Sean, I recall thinking, as he recounted the different twists and turns of the game.
He loves baseball, Holden. What do you love?
I love Sean, I responded, surprising myself.
When his account of the game slowed, I asked a couple of questions. That got him going again and he spent most of dinner recapping the game for me. Eventually it came time to pay and we had a friendly argument about that. Although he needed the money more than me, we finally agreed to split the bill.
We didn’t talk a lot on the walk back to Wigglesworth and I found myself making small talk once we finally got there. Even though I was determined to tell him, I was still nervous and having trouble coming to the point. Finally I inhaled deeply and did.
“Do you remember last night when I asked whether it would bother you if I was gay?”
“Yeah; I remember,” he said. “Do you remember my answer?”
“I do,” I replied. “And, uh, the thing is I got to thinking about that on the walk back to the Yard last night and decided I should tell you; if you want to know, that is. Do you?”
“Uh, well, I dunno; that’s up to you, Holden,” he said. “I’m fine with whatever you want to do.”
“Thanks,” I said. “I want to tell you. Not because being friends depends on it; I’ll still want to be friends no matter what, but I guess that’s up to you more than me.”
“I’ve already told you it won’t change anything, Holden,” he responded. “We’ll still be friends; best friends I hope.”
“Thanks; it’s nice to know that,” I said, taking another deep breath. “So to answer the question, I am; gay, that is. I’ve known for a long time and you probably figured it out just from listening to Roger. I assume you were being polite not mentioning it and I appreciate that.”
“But it’s not something I’m ashamed about, Sean. It’s who I am; and I feel like it’s important for you to know if we’re going to be friends.”
“So how do you feel about that; me being gay?”
I had told myself repeatedly not to put him on the spot by asking something like that, but it’s hard. Saying it won’t make a difference when you don’t know for sure is one thing. But now I had told him and he couldn’t ignore it anymore.
“Like I told you last night, Holden, my little brother is gay and I love him so it’s not a big deal knowing you’re gay. I’m more curious why you decided to tell me.”
“Except for Roger, I’ve never told anyone,” I said. “But I don’t want to hide in the closet anymore. What kind of life would that be? The truth is, most of the people I know in life are going to be straight and I have to learn how to relate to them; how to be friends with guys like you who’re straight. You’re the first straight person I’ve told.”
“I see,” he responded, and strangely enough he seemed disappointed. “I’m kind of an experiment then; it’s not like you like me or something?”
“No,” I lied. “I mean, I like you, of course, but I don’t like you that way.”
Why are you lying, Holden? You need to be honest.
I’ve told him enough for one day. Maybe I’ll tell him more later.
“You’re not interested in, uh . . . you know . . . me; it’s nothing like that, right?” he continued, pressing the point.
“Right,” I lied.
By now it was getting harder to lie.
You need to tell him the truth, Holden.
He won’t want to be friends with me anymore if he thinks I’m interested in him that way, I responded.
But how you can build a friendship with him if you’re going to lie about something like that?
“Uh, well, pretty sure,” I responded. “I mean, I’m not going to sit here and tell you I don’t find you attractive, Sean. I do. You’re very good looking, but you don’t have to worry about that. I mean, I’m not going to try to molest you or anything. I know you’re straight.”
That caused him to laugh. It was an odd kind of laugh, one I had never heard before. I wasn’t sure what to make of it.
“That’s funny,” he said. “I seem to recall us talking about this yesterday at the game; me saying something about how I needed to protect you from being molested and you responding that maybe you wanted to be molested. And then the two of us agreeing I would molest you later. Now you’re telling me the opposite.”
I assumed he was trying to lighten the mood by pretending what I told him wasn’t important. Still, it was kind of annoying. I had been thinking about this most of the day and it had taken all my courage to tell him.
“I’m trying to be serious, Sean. Why are you making a joke out of this?”
“Maybe because I’m gay too, Holden; did you ever think of that?”
It caught me off guard.
Why is he doing this? Why is he pretending he’s gay?
“You’re the first person I’ve ever told,” he continued. “Kevin thinks I’m gay, but doesn’t know for sure. Do you know what he asked me the other night?”
“He asked why it was okay for him to be gay, but not for me? I wanted to tell him the truth, but I couldn’t.”
“Why not,” I asked, confused.
“It’s my father,” he responded. “He’s a bigot. He hates gay people. Isn’t that funny? He hates gay people and doesn’t even know his two oldest sons are gay. He’s never suspected I was, but he’s suspicious about Kevin, especially since Kev started hanging around with Bobby.”
“He thinks Bobby’s gay and he’s right. Bobby and Kevin are boyfriends. I’ve been running interference for them with my father and it’s been easier to protect the two of them with my father not knowing I’m gay.”
“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone, Holden,” he continued; “not because I’m ashamed of being gay, but because I can protect Kevin better that way. If my father finds out, it’ll cause a lot of problems for us.”
“He would toss us out of the house,” he added. “I’m old enough to deal with that now if I have to. I can do it, but it’d be a lot harder for Kevin. He’s only fourteen and I don’t have a place to take him right now. I’m going to get one though; I don’t know how exactly, but I’m going to get one soon and then I won’t care who knows I’m gay.”
He’s serious, Holden.
He isn’t pretending to be gay; he’s actually gay.
“I won’t tell anyone,” I responded. “I mean, honestly, I’m shocked more than anything; I can barely believe it myself. But I would never say anything to anyone. I like you too much to do something like that, Sean.”
“You know, you still haven’t told me why you like me, Holden,” he said. “That was one of the first things you said after we met and I still don’t know why.”
“Why? I don’t know why. It’s like when I asked how you knew the answer to that math problem. You said you didn’t know how exactly; you just did. That’s the way I feel about you, Sean. Sometimes you just know something is right; being friends with you is that way for me. I realize you may not feel the same way about me, but I’d still like us to be friends no matter what.”
Sean looked at me and sighed.
“I like you, Holden. I like you a lot. It’s just that, um . . .”
“What?” I asked.
“Look at me, Holden. I’m completely different from you. How could it ever work out between someone like you and me? I mean . . .”
“I don’t want to hear it, Sean,” I interrupted. “I don’t want to hear all the reasons why it could never work. What I want to hear is why it could work; and you know what? It could if you want it to. I already do, Sean. I love you. So it’s up to you really. Do you want it to work? Do you love me?”
“So you’re telling me you were lying before?” he asked, suddenly grinning. “That you really do like me; is that what you’re telling me, Holden?”
“Yes; and I only lied because I thought you were straight and wouldn’t want to be friends if I told you the truth.”
“Okay; I can understand that,” he said. “But if we’re going to be friends, we need to start being completely honest with one another; and if we’re being honest, one of the things I’m not sure of is whether I’m ready for something like this.”
“I always thought this would happen for me in the future; after I went to college, after I was able to support myself. It was always going to be sometime in the future. But then I met you, Holden, and, uh . . . now I don’t know what to tell you.”
“I mean, I like you; I like you a lot. But love? I’m not sure I know what love is. I mean, I love my mother and brothers, but that’s different from the way I feel about you. I can’t explain it exactly, but I want you in a way I’ve never wanted anyone else in my life. Does that mean I love you? I don’t want to hurt you by promising more than I can deliver.”
It was disappointing. I wanted it to be simpler; I wanted to hear the three magical words, but I admired his honesty. It was clear from the way he was looking at me and from the words themselves he was confused about what he was feeling.
He wasn’t saying he didn’t love me. It was more like he was afraid of hurting me by saying something he wasn’t positive about.
He needs more time, Holden. If you really love him, you’ll give him that time.
“We don’t get to pick when everything happens in life, Sean,” I said; “and it isn’t about how much experience we have either. I know how I feel about you and what I want. But I can’t make you feel the same way and want the same thing as me. That’s something you’ll need to decide for yourself.”
“I think I feel the same way,” Sean responded; “and I want the same thing. It’s just that I’m nervous and don’t know what to do next.”
“We don’t have to do anything for now if you don’t want,” I replied. “I’m not asking you to have sex with me if you’re worried about that. I can wait. But if you want it to work, maybe you could spend the night here and, uh … maybe we could sleep in my bed and just get to know one another a little better.”
“We don’t have to have sex,” I repeated, trying to put him at ease. “I promise we won’t. We can just hug and see if that’s something we like. If it is, we can take it from there as slow as you want. What do you think? Do you want to spend the night here with me, Sean?”
“Um . . . uh . . . sure; that sounds good to me,” he said.
Stepping forward, I wrapped my arms around him and gave him a hug. His body stiffened and that made me wonder whether I had done the right thing. Realizing he was uncomfortable, I released him. He stepped away, but didn’t say anything.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “Maybe I shouldn’t have done that. I mean . . .”
“No problem,” he replied, interrupting. “It’s my fault, not yours, Holden. We never did stuff like that in my family. You know; hugging one another, whatever. We didn’t do any of that.”
“I understand,” I said.
“But I liked it,” he added, “and, uh, I want to stay. I’ll need to let my mother know though.”
“Sure,” I responded. “That makes sense. Why don’t I give you a couple of minutes alone to do that? And after that maybe the two of us could take a walk. It’s still early; too soon to go to bed, that’s for sure. It’s nice out and a walk would be a lot healthier for us than smoking a joint. Don’t you think?”
“It would be,” he said.
While Sean called his mother, I fiddled around in the bathroom, desperately trying to find a way to make myself more attractive to him. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t. I wasn’t as good looking as Sean. I had known that all along, but somehow it seemed more important now.
“Wow! You look terrific, Holden,” he said, entering the bathroom. “Are you sure you still want to be seen in public with someone like me?”
“I do,” I replied, surprised by the compliment. “I want everyone to see me with you.”
At first Sean seemed unusually quiet and I wondered whether he might be having second thoughts about staying the night.
“Is something wrong?” I finally asked.
“Uh, no, sorry; I was just thinking about something. It’s, uh . . . it doesn’t have anything to do with us. Like I said, I’m sorry. I’ll try to be better company.”
After that we started talking about different things; nothing important. It was a beautiful evening and just being with Sean meant everything to me.
Both of us were tired by the time we got back to Wigglesworth, but it had been worth it. If nothing else, the walk had helped dissipate all the nervous tension that had built up between us earlier. Now, back in my room, I could feel it starting to build again, if only slowly.
It was Sean who put a stop to it by coming straight to the point.
“Um, so how does this work exactly, Holden?” he said. “I mean, what’s your plan for the evening?”
“I don’t have anything planned,” I replied. “If nothing else happens, this has already been a great night for me because I got to spend it with you. But, uh, that walk tired me out and you have to be at work first thing in the morning. Maybe we should go to bed now? Or if it’s too soon to do that for you, I suppose we could smoke a joint. That would probably relax us and make everything easier.”
“Not that we’re going to do anything serious,” I quickly added, worried he might take what I said the wrong way. “I promised we wouldn’t have sex and we won’t. We can just cuddle in bed. But I can understand how nervous you are. I’m nervous too; very nervous. Maybe a joint would help.”
“Yeah, well, you’re right,” he responded. “Smoking a joint would make things easier. It would also provide a convenient excuse for whatever happened. I could tell myself I was high and didn’t know what I was doing. “Holden took advantage of me; ha, ha.” You know what I mean?”
“So it wouldn’t be a fair test, would it?” he added.
“This isn’t a scientific experiment, Sean,” I said. “It’s just about two people sharing a bed and not being afraid to touch one another to see whether that’s something they like. And we don’t have to do it either. You can sleep in the other room if you want. I don’t want to do anything that jeopardizes our friendship.”
“I don’t want to sleep in the other room,” he replied.
Then, stepping forward, he kissed me, if only briefly before stepping back.
Omigod! He kissed me. Sean kissed me.
“Look, we can either stand here all night talking about it or go your bedroom and see what happens,” Sean said. “What do you want to do?”
I already knew the answer to that. Taking Sean by the hand, I led him down to my bedroom. At some point during the day I had tried to tidy it up; to make sure the bed was made properly and everything was put away.
“Um, well, I guess we should take off our clothes,” I said, looking over at him; and yet, having said it, I made no effort to take off my clothes. I seemed totally paralyzed.
“Sure,” he replied, pulling his shirt over his head and exposing his chest to me.
That caused me to have an erection instantaneously. Embarrassed, I turned around quickly so he wouldn’t be able to see me like that.
“We could leave on our briefs if that makes you more comfortable,” I said, desperately trying to make my erection disappear.
Who are you kidding, Holden? This isn’t about making him feel more comfortable; it’s about making you feel more comfortable.
“Sure,” he replied.
Walking over to the wall, I quickly turned off the lights. By that time my erection had subsided a little and I started taking my clothes off in the darkness. When they were finally off except for my briefs, I made my way to the bed and climbed in. Sean joined me quickly enough. Like me, he was still wearing his briefs.
“Um, well, how do you want to this exactly, Sean?” I asked. “I mean you could spoon up behind me and hug me or I could spoon up behind you; whichever you prefer.”
“It’s probably best not to overthink this too much,” he responded. “We should try to get some sleep. Why don’t you turn on your side and I’ll spoon up behind you; if that’s okay, I mean.”
“Sure,” I said.
So that’s what I did. I turned on to my side. Sean spooned up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. The moment he did I felt something poking my bum.
“Oh, Jesus,” Sean groaned, releasing his grip on me.
“Is that what I think it is?” I asked; and then for some reason I started to giggle, which caused Sean to giggle as well.
“Yeah; it is,” he replied. “Sorry about that. It just sort of happened when I wrapped my arms around you.”
By that time he had pulled away and we weren’t even touching.
“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “I had the same reaction when you took off your shirt. I guess it’s a natural reaction when you like someone.”
“Probably,” he replied.
“I don’t think I can do this, Holden,” he suddenly blurted out.
“Do what?” I asked.
“I don’t think I can sleep in this bed with you and just, uh, you know . . . hug. I, uh . . . I want to kiss you. But if I kiss you I’ll want to do even more and if we start doing more I don’t think I’ll be able to stop.”
I knew exactly what Sean was feeling. I was feeling the same way. But I had promised him we wouldn’t have sex and didn’t feel like I could break my word.
“What do you think we should do?” I asked, deciding to let him make the decision.
“I dunno,” he said. “Maybe I should go home or sleep in the other room.”
“Is that what you want to do, Sean?”
“No, not really; it isn’t. What I want to do is to make love to you, Holden. I want you to make love to me too.”
“Uh, well, exactly how far did you want to go?” I asked.
“I want to go all the way, Holden, but, uh . . .”
“I, uh, I mean . . . I didn’t know any of this was going to happen tonight so I didn’t come prepared.”
“I see,” I responded.
Damn it, Holden, I told you this was going to happen one day. I told you to buy some condoms. But did you listen to me? No!
“Uh, well, maybe we could so something else?” I suggested. “You know what I mean?”
“Yeah, I know,” Sean responded. “But . . .”
“But you want more,” I said, filling in the blanks as his words drifted off unspoken.
“What I want is for us to experience what it’s like for two people to become one, Holden,” he replied. “I don’t even know if that makes sense, but that’s what I’m looking for.”
“It does,” I said; “at least it makes sense to me and I want the same thing. And, uh, you know, I, uh . . . I’m not really sure, but, you know, maybe . . . I’m thinking maybe doing it once without protection would be okay, Sean. I’m willing to take that chance.”
“I’m not,” Sean replied, dismissing the idea immediately. “There’s no way in hell I’m going to put you at risk no matter how small the risk may be.”
“So what do you think we should do?” I asked, relieved Sean had shown more sense than me.
“I don’t know,” he replied. “I don’t want to go home or sleep in the other room. I guess we should stick with the original plan no matter how hard it is; you know, just cuddle and hug. Maybe we’ll have better luck if I roll on my side and you hold me. Do you want to try that?”
“Okay,” I responded.
But we didn’t have any better luck. The moment I touched Sean, I had an erection and began poking him in exactly the same way.
This time both of us giggled simultaneously.
“Look, it’s not a problem,” he said. “As long as you’re not planning to impale me with that thing, I can fall asleep being hugged like this.”
“Okay, that’s fine for now,” I replied. “But at some point tonight I’ll probably roll over. I’ll be expecting you to return the favor by hugging me.”
“Understood,” he replied.
Frustrated as I was, I understood he was nervous and I was nervous as well. Nothing happened after that and the two of us must have fallen asleep eventually.
Throughout the night I would wake up periodically and feel my bum pressing against his or his pressing against mine. It was an incredible feeling, the most sensuous thing I had ever experienced in my life. I couldn’t get enough of it, our butts touching like that.
When I woke up the next morning, our bodies were entangled again and I took a moment to look at Sean.
He’s so good looking and I love that body of his. I wish I could lick it all over.
But I couldn’t, of course. I wouldn’t be able to stop once I started and I had promised him we wouldn’t have sex.
That was stupid, Holden. Remind yourself never to make a promise like that again.
“Sean, I know you’re tired, but it’s almost time to get up,” I whispered; “at least if you want to get to your job on time.”
“Uh, thanks,” he replied, rolling over and looking at me.
“Did anyone ever tell you that you have an awesome body?” I asked. “I’ve been looking at it. It’s so smooth, so muscular, so perfect. I would have tried raping you except it’s obvious you’re stronger than me.”
“Maybe I would have let you rape me if you tried,” he responded, smiling.
Just hearing that caused me to have an erection.
Thank god I’m still wearing my briefs!
“There’s still time,” I said. “It looks like I could start right now if you promise not to beat me up.”
“I wish there was time,” he sighed, “but I need to be going. I’ve got a long day in front of me.”
“Did you like it, Sean?” I asked, suddenly nervous. “Did you like sleeping in the same bed with me? I mean, for me it was like finally getting to do what I’ve wanted to do all my life. Not that we actually did anything, but I loved just holding you close.”
“Yeah, I liked it,” he responded. “I liked it a lot. I could feel the warmth from your body most of the night and that was comforting. I could feel our butts pressing against each other. I’m kind of embarrassed to admit it, but I even did it deliberately a couple of times; pressed my butt against yours, I mean. It just felt so good.”
“Does that mean we can do it again tonight, Sean?”
“Uh, I wish we could,” he replied. “But I can’t.”
“Why not?” I asked, disappointed.
He stared at me for a moment as if trying to decide what to say.
“Okay, look,” he said. “I promised I’d be totally honest with you last night and I’m going to be even though families like mine aren’t supposed to talk about shit like this with other people.”
“What shit?” I asked, curious.
“When I spoke to my mother last night, she was distraught. Apparently Kev went to Bobby’s house and had dinner there without letting Pop know; then he and Bobby spent more time together after dinner. When Kev finally got home there was a nasty blow-up between him and Pop.”
“Pop was livid and started screaming at Kev. She says it got bad; that Pop slapped Kevin hard a couple of times and then ended up punching him. Kev stormed out of the house at that point.”
“Are you serious?” I asked, never having experienced anything like that before in my life. “Is that why you were so quiet last night when we went out for that walk?”
“Yeah;” Sean replied. “From what I gather, Kevin spent last night over at Bobby’s house so it didn’t make any sense to go home at that point. But it was on my mind.”
I remember being astonished Sean had actually spent the night in bed with me under the circumstances. Knowing how much he loved Kevin, it’s hard to imagine the turmoil he must have been going through; and yet I had never suspected a thing.
“I’m going to need to talk to Kevin today”, Sean added; “and my mother wants me home early this evening to help keep the peace once he gets home. Knowing Kev, it’ll be late, but he can’t stay at Bobby’s house forever, that’s for sure.”
“Bobby’s parents won’t let him; not on a school night. In fact, I’ll probably have to go over there to make sure he comes home. I think he’ll do it if I’m with him; otherwise we’ll be spending the night out on the streets together.”
“You don’t have to do that, Sean,” I volunteered. “You can come here if you need to. I can’t believe your father actually hit Kevin. Maybe your mother or you should think about calling the police?”
“That’s not how it works in families like ours, Holden. It has to be settled inside the family and there’s only one way to do that now. I need to get my own place; someplace big enough for Kevin as well. I need to get him away from that sonofabitch and the sooner the better.”
“He could live with us at the place my parents rented,” I volunteered, surprised at how quickly the idea came to me. “It has two bedrooms. He could have one and we could share the other; or if you don’t want to do that in front of him, one of us could sleep on the couch.”
“Are you serious?” he asked. “You’d be okay with Kevin living there with the two of us?”
“I love you, Sean, and I want everyone you love to be part of my life as well; of course he could.”
“Uh, well, thanks,” he said; “I’m speechless. Are you sure you want to do that? You’ve never even met Kev. He can be a pain in the ass at times.”
“I’m sure,” I responded. “I’ve met Kev’s older brother and that’s all I need to know. I won’t even ask you to come over tonight, but I need you to think about another problem I’m having.”
“What?” he asked.
“I need your help understanding gravity,” I replied, pointing to my erection.
“That’s easy,” he joked, reaching over and giving it a playful touch through my briefs. “Like they say, what goes up must come down.”
“Well, you’re going to have to demonstrate how that works at some point,” I said; “because right now I don’t see it coming down anytime soon; not with you in this bed.”
“So I guess I should leave then,” he said; “not that I want to, but Tony will be on my ass if I’m late.”
“You tell Tony to stay away from your ass,” I responded. “I’m the only one allowed to play with your ass.”
“Do I get to play with yours?” he asked.
“Absolutely; whenever you want for as long as you want.”
“Good; I’ll be looking forward to that.”
With that Sean jumped out of bed and took a quick shower.
Then, with one final hug, he was on his way.